The UN Security Council during the Cold War
Ew. Hahaha. I can't believe I'm relating the things that are happening with my life with the things I've learned in school. Ew. Haha.
Anyway, that was only used to name names. I'm not sure who I am in the story just yet. But for the purposes of discussion, I will name me superpower 1, the other party as superpower 2 and an identified UN SC.
It sucks. The fact that I'm writing about it is because I'm too bloody lazy to write on my thoughtpad and because I really do not want two consecutive confrontational activities is written there. It's just too much.
Recent events have led me to reevaluate my actions, choices of words or whatever it was that I did in the past that may have some impact in what is happening now. Yesterday's bout with superpower 2 seriously saddened me. I didn't realize that it had such views on me. I also realized that with these views, it may have never considered me a friend after all. When it gave the "fair warning", well I thought, "isn't that nice, it can actually protect the UN SC after all". You see we had our doubts before. But it's good to know that it can actually do so. Although by saying that to me, it made me look like I was using the UN SC as a "shield" for something I'm "confused" about. That accusation was too much for me and I realized, I was certain, that I can no longer be friends with it. (I planned to put some parts of the conversation here but the archive is in the office so perhaps I will just edit this post in the future.)
I thought things couldn't get worse. I mean, I've just decided to burn a bridge. I thought I made good choices of friends - and I think I still do, on the basis of vices - but last night, I realized that maybe I have made a mistake for the first time. I realized, I now had an answer to the question: what characteristics would you not wish your friends to have? My answer: Insensitivity to his/her friends' feelings.
And again, I made a mistake when I thought it couldn't get worse. Because now, it feels like I've burned another bridge.
I am genuinely sorry that I cannot fix this problem with superpower 2. I appreciate the effort, I really do. But these things just don't get fixed easily. I have my doubts that a simple coffee or lunch could fix this. The problem is systemic. I know that it's been like that ever since. It may be that it has gotten worse or I have reached my saturation point.
Anyway, the UN SC has tried to uncover the truths behind the crisis. I understand that it doesn't want a rift within its core. It's not as fun, I agree. But what you're asking me, what you want done, it's too hard. I suppose I have too much pride in me. But haven't I admitted that it was my fault? That wasn't acceptable still? I realized I made some wrong choices, did some things wrong and I concluded that I agree, it was my fault. Because superpower 2 seemed to give the same message. You almost said it when you approached me.
You know what's worse for me? That you somehow think, at the back of your mind, that I am acting immaturely, that my reasons are too shallow. Maybe they are, maybe I am. But it's just too bad for me that you can't understand. I tried to tell you what I think the problem is. But you had what I'd like to call excuses for each one of them. Which leads to more questions, which leads to an even deeper root that it was indeed my fault.
Coming from superpower 2, I could swallow it albeit a bit hard. But when I realized that that was what you were doing, I could not breathe. I had to scream for a while because if I don't, I'll drive myself crazier. When I was requested to "back off" a bit, it hurt more when superpower 2 said it. After all, it wasn't like I was some nosy neighbor with no use to it. At least, I'd like to think that I helped a little bit on the issue and would have appreciated if I was kindly asked to step aside. But when I'm being blamed for the rift, it hurt more coming from you. You may not realize it yet, but you have chosen already. It just sucks that when you did choose, I could not support that choice anymore. Or at least I can't at the moment. I dunno, maybe there's still hope.
So I suppose this is where I say goodbye. Because apparently, I messed things up really bad and the only choice that I am capable of making right now is saying goodbye. I'm really sorry for causing you trouble, UN SC. But you've grown some pretty good insight about things, you should know that this will eventually fix itself up. I hope you won't lose hope that eventually it will. You've been more caring - or cared more for the things that's happening around you, that's a good change. :) Soon, you will find yourself able to see what will happen next before they even do. :)
I dunno if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I am becoming more like you in your past self. And you, you are becoming more optimistic about things. Maybe it is bad because we can no longer understand each other but I suspect it is good in the overall analysis of things. :)
Goodbye, superpower 2. Goodbye, UN SC. I bid you both the best of luck.