Hmm. I need a break, I think.
One of my friends said that I should be too hard on myself, that things are really just complicated to begin with. But this was not the first instance where me playing middle man seemed to sabotage a good relationship. This is of course not saying that I have succeeded in doing so this time. Or last time. It's confusing.
Anyway, the point is, I seriously believe that it's time to hibernate. Perfect timing, if you ask me, considering I have a very busy month because of school shiznit. With the dreaded day fast-approaching, I think it's best if I keep myself occupied with work and academics.
So no, I am not trying to avoid anyone in particular. Or maybe I am, hard to say. Maybe in order to avoid having to destroy other people's chance with happiness, I really have to distance myself from them. Maybe I need some time to think about things too. And hibernating - even if it is primarily for academic reasons - may be good for my mental health too.
I couldn't blame my friends if they don't want me involved. Geez, I dunno how to say that without sounding emo or bitter but I really understand. It's just that I can't help but feel a bit offended despite the disclaimer. Hmm. I suppose this is why I don't like knowing things and having to be asked to do something about them. I can't risk me. Doesn't make sense?
I mean, I'm too protective of myself. I don't want to know too much because I know at one point in time, I'll be asked to stay out of things - and it's gonna be hard. I dunno which one I like better: not knowing before everyone else and therefore run no risk that I'll be shut out alone or knowing things and run the risk of being stuck there by myself.
Anyway, not the point. And I don't really know exactly what point am I trying to make. But anyway, the bottom line is I am going in hibernation for a month - give or take a few weeks. Actually, give because I know it can't be shorter than a month.
My friend suggested before that I distance myself from people, that I should learn to not care too much. Well, my apologies, this is the only way I know how to not care. To forget, I must lose all contact. To move on, I must go back to myself.
Gah. I do sound emo, don't I? Oh crap. Oh well. I suppose it kind of is. But maybe when the month is over, maybe when I have received the long awaited phone call from UNICEF, maybe when I am done with my major crap at school, maybe then I am better. Yeah, maybe.