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February 2012

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Feb. 23rd, 2012

brothers-xmas

Family moments?

Or an old picture

That awkward moment when you just have to check 9gag before doing any work because it's more fun than your actual work. And yet this post welcomes you.

And this was the same day that you decide to "clean up" your personal inbox. Hahaha. The universe loves you very much. Hahaha.

***

It's been a while since I have actually posted anything over here. Somehow, i think the thoughtpad helps to stop me from going online and ranting. That, or I have been online since Tuesday and therefore am now too lazy to write on it and instead opt for LJ post.

Whichever is the case, I'm here now and I'm writing again. :)

***

So anyway, last week I think, I saw that post in 9gag and well, after recent entanglement with folks, I guess this just had to have some impact on me. That time, I was also cleaning up my inbox and saw some old MSN conversations back when I was still working at Sykes and were having some issues with some guy. I personally forgot about that too, which was why I had to re-read everything to remember what was going on and why there was a need to consult 3 people through instant messaging.

Well, that didn't prompt me to write on LJ.

Last night, however, a friend and I were talking about some college things and she brought up a news that shouldn't really shock me but nevertheless did. Well, shocked but not unhappy. I mean, these are the kinds of things that you wouldn't believe if you knew your friends from before that well.

At one point, I thought, well, good for them. they're happy and things. You know, the kind of things you'd wish your friends were. But, of course, it's kind of sad that while they are in their Cloud 9, it somehow feels like they have forgotten you and their other friends.

Okay. Let me clarify. Because this may be interpreted the wrong way by some and it will cause trouble again or something.

I'm glad that this thing happened to them, I really am. I'm also happy that they can find time to spend with their other friends. I kind of think that for some time, I have kept them away and it was unfair to their other friends. Maybe I'm just thinking too highly off myself. Anyway. I'm glad that they get along well.

It's just that at the back of my head, I can't help but feel a little jealous or a little envious or a little mad. Somehow, this situation reflects very poorly on us. I mean, me for example, this situation makes me feel like I have never been supportive before, like this is something that none of us wanted. It kind of hurts to think that now that everything turned out well for them, somehow, everything you did in the past were somehow insignificant.

I don't know how else to put it.

So I guess that's the reason why I liked the 9gag post. Because it's kind of sad to remember that back in the good old days, you were chatting them up for various nonsense and now, you can't even find them in your freaking YM list.

Jun. 25th, 2011

brothers-xmas

I've had a couple of erm hours to think about things...

...and I think I now know what the real problem is.

I mean, if we are in the mood to trace back when it started to go bleak on this side, I would say that it was on January.

Now, please understand that this effort to uncover the root is by no means an effort to put blame on anyone that may have a connection to recent fall out. It is merely an introspective exercise to find out why I feel so mad about these things. It is a rather good exercise, especially if you want to clear your mind to accommodate other people's stand. I believe this should be the first step to that: understanding your self.

So anyway, I believe it all began in January. Remember that it was during that time when I felt like I was treated unfairly by someone who I thought was my close friend. I suppose it is hard to ask someone to apologize when they don't think they did something wrong. And I also think that maybe, that time, although I felt bad about the treatment, I didn't really mind it very much. I probably thought that it was natural for them - him - to make such request. After all, I may have outlived my usefulness. (sounds villainous. Hahaha.) But seriously, though, maybe the reason why I felt bad that time was because the person whom I thought was my close friend may have thought I am no longer helpful. That would seem like an ouch.

And from that January incident, I think maybe we slowly parted ways. Me and them. Maybe, unknowingly, by trying to "back off a little bit", I was making choices that slowly put up a wall between me and them. For example, my desire to hibernate. It meant that I wouldn't see most of my friends except those who I see regularly (like in school or at work). That choice didn't allow me to know more about what's happening in my other friends' lives because of the January incident. I generalized. Or something like that.

Before January, if my former close friend could recall, even if it was a totally random YM message, it happened at least once a week. Of course, such YM conversation may lead to a discussion of an issue pertinent to the "backing off" thing. So I suppose the reason why those stopped too was to keep me from meddling further.

(NOTE: I hope when you read this blog, you would imagine my tone as calm - like narrating facts that bore people out of their wits. Because that is my mood right now. Not angry, or anything. Just calm.)

When after several months, we have gathered again, it was different. I don't know if anyone noticed that but I'm pretty sure I was different that time. Now that I think about it. I may have been a little more hostile than usual. And although I still supported some things, I was also pretty mean with some of the things I said that time. I can only guess now about what I have been feeling that day. Maybe I was a little bit annoyed. More so than this month's early departure. Because you told me about your plans and I didn't know if I were supposed to let you or stop you. And please, don't tell me that I should've done what I wanted because if you know me that well, you ought to know that I never do just what I want. I try to weigh things in my head to see what the best course of action is. Stopping you and asking both of you to stay would mean we could watch the movie together and maybe dinner after. Just like old times. It would make us - your friends - a little happy. But keeping you from your plans would mean you would be unhappy. And perhaps you would think that I am being insensitive. That I no longer understand.

Given that knowledge and the fact that recent events may be connected to that April Saturday, do you suppose I should've stopped you from going elsewhere or do you think it was just that I let you go and covered for you?

I told you before, I'm not one to lie about something to my closest friends. It annoyed me to no end that when I was telling you about our common friend telling me that they knew about it, you asked me to get more information. I am not your spy. But you treated me like it. You didn't understand that maybe I was in a deep shit already and I was texting you for help. You sounded so calm in your messages, very annoying especially when I was on the brink of throwing a punch at someone that time - preferably you. I think that was the moment when I first recognized how insensitive you've become to other people's feelings.

At least she cared enough for me to give me such permission without me asking. But you, you asked me what I would do if you didn't give me the same permission when I asked you for it.

I invite you now to look back at that time and tell me, what were you thinking? You were willing to make me suffer just so I don't say anything? You wanted me to lie to one of my closest girl friends when she already knows about it? Please, tell me because these are just my speculation. And I don't want you to think that I'm blaming you, I'm simply telling you why I think there is a problem and why I think the problem is systemic.

I understand now that in my efforts not to meddle with your (like plural your) affairs, I have sort of detached myself from you (like singular you). And by detaching myself, I have failed to see or ask or bother myself to ask what was going on in other aspects of your life. When you told me about your father the other day (and having had several days and confrontational moments to think about it), I realized this. I wasn't being your friend either so I couldn't expect the same from you. I am truly sorry about this.

If you have read through the entire thing and you feel that you want to talk - a dialogue, not ranting - feel free to send me a message. I think I am ready for a dialogue now because I think I understand what my real problem is. If you've had time to think about these things as well and you've realized that you know what your real issue with me is and you think that you are ready to have a dialogue with me, then we will talk.

We are diplomats, are we not? Let's do this the diplomatic way then. We need not resort to war until we're pretty certain that matters to settle disputes in peace have been exhausted.

Jun. 24th, 2011

ok! enough!

The UN Security Council during the Cold War

Well, essentially, the UN Security Council could not execute binding resolutions as instructed by the UN charter because of the bipolar nature of the system. The tension between the US and the Soviet Union had impaired the Council.

Ew. Hahaha. I can't believe I'm relating the things that are happening with my life with the things I've learned in school. Ew. Haha.

Anyway, that was only used to name names. I'm not sure who I am in the story just yet. But for the purposes of discussion, I will name me superpower 1, the other party as superpower 2 and an identified UN SC.

It sucks. The fact that I'm writing about it is because I'm too bloody lazy to write on my thoughtpad and because I really do not want two consecutive confrontational activities is written there. It's just too much.

Recent events have led me to reevaluate my actions, choices of words or whatever it was that I did in the past that may have some impact in what is happening now. Yesterday's bout with superpower 2 seriously saddened me. I didn't realize that it had such views on me. I also realized that with these views, it may have never considered me a friend after all. When it gave the "fair warning", well I thought, "isn't that nice, it can actually protect the UN SC after all". You see we had our doubts before. But it's good to know that it can actually do so. Although by saying that to me, it made me look like I was using the UN SC as a "shield" for something I'm "confused" about. That accusation was too much for me and I realized, I was certain, that I can no longer be friends with it. (I planned to put some parts of the conversation here but the archive is in the office so perhaps I will just edit this post in the future.)

I thought things couldn't get worse. I mean, I've just decided to burn a bridge. I thought I made good choices of friends - and I think I still do, on the basis of vices - but last night, I realized that maybe I have made a mistake for the first time. I realized, I now had an answer to the question: what characteristics would you not wish your friends to have? My answer: Insensitivity to his/her friends' feelings.

And again, I made a mistake when I thought it couldn't get worse. Because now, it feels like I've burned another bridge.

I am genuinely sorry that I cannot fix this problem with superpower 2. I appreciate the effort, I really do. But these things just don't get fixed easily. I have my doubts that a simple coffee or lunch could fix this. The problem is systemic. I know that it's been like that ever since. It may be that it has gotten worse or I have reached my saturation point.

Anyway, the UN SC has tried to uncover the truths behind the crisis. I understand that it doesn't want a rift within its core. It's not as fun, I agree. But what you're asking me, what you want done, it's too hard. I suppose I have too much pride in me. But haven't I admitted that it was my fault? That wasn't acceptable still? I realized I made some wrong choices, did some things wrong and I concluded that I agree, it was my fault. Because superpower 2 seemed to give the same message. You almost said it when you approached me.

You know what's worse for me? That you somehow think, at the back of your mind, that I am acting immaturely, that my reasons are too shallow. Maybe they are, maybe I am. But it's just too bad for me that you can't understand. I tried to tell you what I think the problem is. But you had what I'd like to call excuses for each one of them. Which leads to more questions, which leads to an even deeper root that it was indeed my fault.

Coming from superpower 2, I could swallow it albeit a bit hard. But when I realized that that was what you were doing, I could not breathe. I had to scream for a while because if I don't, I'll drive myself crazier. When I was requested to "back off" a bit, it hurt more when superpower 2 said it. After all, it wasn't like I was some nosy neighbor with no use to it. At least, I'd like to think that I helped a little bit on the issue and would have appreciated if I was kindly asked to step aside. But when I'm being blamed for the rift, it hurt more coming from you. You may not realize it yet, but you have chosen already. It just sucks that when you did choose, I could not support that choice anymore. Or at least I can't at the moment. I dunno, maybe there's still hope.

So I suppose this is where I say goodbye. Because apparently, I messed things up really bad and the only choice that I am capable of making right now is saying goodbye. I'm really sorry for causing you trouble, UN SC. But you've grown some pretty good insight about things, you should know that this will eventually fix itself up. I hope you won't lose hope that eventually it will. You've been more caring - or cared more for the things that's happening around you, that's a good change. :) Soon, you will find yourself able to see what will happen next before they even do. :)

I dunno if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I am becoming more like you in your past self. And you, you are becoming more optimistic about things. Maybe it is bad because we can no longer understand each other but I suspect it is good in the overall analysis of things. :)

Goodbye, superpower 2. Goodbye, UN SC. I bid you both the best of luck.

Jun. 14th, 2011

omg-abby

It's neither green nor blue.

That was a totally random title.

Or maybe it wasn't.

I'm posting an entry here because my lazy self doesn't want to write on my thoughtpad yet. Maybe later.

Things are going downhill already!!!

Hmm. I always told myself I'm going to regret the decisions I'm making soon. The 'soon' has come and it is 'now'. I'd argue that it seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean, I didn't think the repercussions will be this bad.

Ever since I found out about this thing, I have been supportive to the annoying level I think. It was very hard to not tell your closest girl friends what you know when you would pretty much share anything with them. It's like asking someone not to think about a big red elephant swimming in a pond. Or in this case, talk about it.

Anyway, the point, yes. I have been supportive of this endeavor for several months already until, of course, they told me to back off a bit (see one of the previous entries). I didn't mind very much but I did feel a bit bad about it. But I understood and that was why I wanted to hibernate. Which was, of course, unsuccessful.

I don't mean to sound like a very mean person or someone that wants other not to be happy or whatever. But when I don't like something, I'm not one to just stand there and watch it all happen. I mean, there's always a good time for everything. I just didn't appreciate what happened last weekend.

I think I made it clear before that Sugardays are for friends, and would highly appreciate it if keychains are not brought along. Not that we don't want to meet our friends' keychains but we don't want the keychain and the friend to have their own little world within the group.

I also didn't appreciate that my "friends" would take advantage of the "free day". I mean, there's a time for everything. Get your own day, I say. If you really want it, and if you really care about your "friends" then maybe it is best if you do it some other time.

For some reason, it is even harder to believe that my "friend" actually feels bad about it. I think my "friend" mildly felt guilty about its actions, but only mildly.

I feel bad though, for making it appear like I'm asking them to make a choice or that I'm making a choice for them. It wasn't my intention. It was also not my intention to make anyone else feel bad about this situation. I appreciate that some feel genuinely guilty about this and I really wouldn't have said anything if no one asked. Of course, that would only be stalling the current events but maybe some more time would make people learn more. Although I have my doubts.

Anyway, I just can't be friends with someone that doesn't consider other people's "feelings". Not asking for any special treatment, just enough consideration as "friends" is all.

Now I wonder if it was at all right that I supported my "friend"'s actions or if I should've done things differently. Surely if I altered one decision I mad in the past the outcome would be very different. For example, if I told my "friend" about the information I gathered before and ignored any sort of promise I gave to other people. That, or if I told my other "friend" that it was a terrible idea. Although I think my "friend" will do it anyway. Hmm. But I won't be in much trouble as I am now I think. So there's a difference.

*sigh*

I hate to do this but I will be in hiding for a while. Just until things get better. Or if they don't, then well, I will probably just adapt. I don't know how just yet but it will be okay eventually.

Anyway, I would like to apologize if this unfortunate event causes anyone else more trouble. I will be out of your hair in no time, do not fret.

Jan. 23rd, 2011

john winchester

Hmm. I need a break, I think.

I have already mentioned this to a few people and, at the risk of sounding emo, I really believe that I have this silly capability of making things more complicated by just being involved.

One of my friends said that I should be too hard on myself, that things are really just complicated to begin with. But this was not the first instance where me playing middle man seemed to sabotage a good relationship. This is of course not saying that I have succeeded in doing so this time. Or last time. It's confusing.

Anyway, the point is, I seriously believe that it's time to hibernate. Perfect timing, if you ask me, considering I have a very busy month because of school shiznit. With the dreaded day fast-approaching, I think it's best if I keep myself occupied with work and academics.

So no, I am not trying to avoid anyone in particular. Or maybe I am, hard to say. Maybe in order to avoid having to destroy other people's chance with happiness, I really have to distance myself from them. Maybe I need some time to think about things too. And hibernating - even if it is primarily for academic reasons - may be good for my mental health too.

I couldn't blame my friends if they don't want me involved. Geez, I dunno how to say that without sounding emo or bitter but I really understand. It's just that I can't help but feel a bit offended despite the disclaimer. Hmm. I suppose this is why I don't like knowing things and having to be asked to do something about them. I can't risk me. Doesn't make sense?

I mean, I'm too protective of myself. I don't want to know too much because I know at one point in time, I'll be asked to stay out of things - and it's gonna be hard. I dunno which one I like better: not knowing before everyone else and therefore run no risk that I'll be shut out alone or knowing things and run the risk of being stuck there by myself.

Anyway, not the point. And I don't really know exactly what point am I trying to make. But anyway, the bottom line is I am going in hibernation for a month - give or take a few weeks. Actually, give because I know it can't be shorter than a month.

My friend suggested before that I distance myself from people, that I should learn to not care too much. Well, my apologies, this is the only way I know how to not care. To forget, I must lose all contact. To move on, I must go back to myself.

Gah. I do sound emo, don't I? Oh crap. Oh well. I suppose it kind of is. But maybe when the month is over, maybe when I have received the long awaited phone call from UNICEF, maybe when I am done with my major crap at school, maybe then I am better. Yeah, maybe.

Nov. 28th, 2010

weasley twins

There goes the shopping money

It was November sugarday today. And I was able to persuade my father to let me bring the car, and our college friend to bring his son to the mall for us to meet.

fro our house, it usually takes roughly an hour and a half going to my workplace (and this is taking the train and a different route entirely) which was relatively close to the workplace of my friend. I wanted to "experiment" and see if I could drive to Makati City without getting lost or pulled over by traffic enforcers.

I managed to do both.

So we went to my friend's house to pick her kid up and then drove to the mall. I was unfamiliar with the route but didn't really mind since my friend knew the way.

Then I got pulled over. o____O Violation: Disregarding lane marking. Fee: PHP 500

The traffic enforcer was going on about having to take a 2-day seminar shiznit before I could get my license back. I was feeling a bit weird because it was really the first time I ever got pulled over anywhere. And I have been driving since I was 13. But in any case, I thought "okay, I'm not gonna offer monetary compensation to ease my way out of this situation. Let it be said that, at least, one traffic enforcer in the Philippines knows how to do his job with integrity." But then the officer said: "Ma'am pwede naman iwaive na lang natin yung 2-day seminar, bayaran na lang yung violation fee." "Ma'am,if you like we can waive the 2-day seminar, just pay for the violation fee."

My friend and I were said something along the line "Really? We can do that? And get the license too? Now? Pay here?"

And I realized, "What the f*ck. This man is subtly asking for money. And not just any amount, PHP 500." I took a PHP 500 bill from my purse and gave it to him. He then reminded us to hold the baby tightly (my friend was sitting in the passenger seat with the baby on her lap) and gave us direction to where we're supposed to go, blah blah. Then he let us go.

So we went. When we're almost (literally almost) at the mall, we were hailed by another officer. Violation: Baby in the passenger seat. Fee: PHP 1,000

Now after ranting about the bloody traffic enforcer who robbed me of my PHP 500, the baby was kind of scared of me already. Hahaha. When we were hailed the second time, I knew I was not about to shell out the same amount of money or if possible, any amount of money, to get myself out of that situation. The price was very very high. I didn't have that amount anymore thanks to the other officer. I tried to explain that we were already hailed previously and we were let off the hook even if the baby stayed in the passenger seat. They wouldn't have any of it. So I told them we have to talk about it really, I needed my license because I'm leaving the country soon, there was no way I could wait for the seminar shiznit. I told them I already shelled out PHP 500 for the violation fee; they asked for the same amount. I said I don't have that much anymore, if they want, I could give PHP 200. They said okay. When I was giving them the money (my window was rolled down obviously), I was stretching out my hand for them to take it. One officer said "Ma'am, itago nyo yung kamay nyo." "Ma'am, keep your hand off." So I did. the other officer "secretly" took the money from my hand and we were let go.

Aside from ranting about how my money just slipped off my hands like that (and not for something I would have enjoyed, mind you), I just find it so infuriating that the system where we operate just isn't really working even if some people want to be "good citizens". I mean, when I left this morning, I told myself I would not try to buy my way out if I ever did get pulled over. And I didn't; the officer in my first scene of the crime "asked" that we pay for the violation fee.

Which makes me wonder: who corrupts who? I mean, my mother has this speech in a church seminar about drivers offering traffic enforcers monetary "keys" when caught in a sticky situation and she refers to it as something that disconnects us from God. But what if the driver tries to "not bribe" the traffic enforcer but the traffic enforcer "insists"? Shouldn't it be blamed on the officer? And when the driver repeats such act, getting out of a sticky situation by "bribing" the officer, shouldn't it be blamed on the officer who first asked for money in order to "settle things"?

I thought there is a way around this system of "bribing on the road" but now that I have actually experienced it first hand, I am suddenly doubting it. I think the only way to resolve this is either of the following: brainwash people and instill manners and values that SHOULD be possessed by a morally-conscious individual OR just kill everyone save babymakers and sperm-donors who could bring a new race of people; a uniform scheme on all aspects will be implemented by yourself. That should solve all problems. Drastic, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

And so I will keep on ranting about my lost PHP 700. I will keep on telling people that the Philippine traffic enforcers have no regard for rules; they just want to get something extra. I know it will greatly affect their already muddy image, but I really don't care.

Jan. 19th, 2010

bad fan girl

FB is weird

No prologue necessary: I'm bored.



So I did what all bored people do: Facebook.


boredom is equal to contemplationCollapse )


Is this classified as a disorder? Hmmm. Perhaps it's some sort of split personality, yes? I shift personalities when I'm around friends?



Hmm.

Jan. 7th, 2010

john winchester

First Week of 2010

1 January 2010: New Year was great. I think I slept in. Haha. Way to start the year, yes? But it's because we had to go home from San Miguel, Bulacan at 1 o'clock in the morning. So when I reached my bed, I was asleep right away.



2 January 2010: Just stayed at home and bothered my nieces and nephews. Tried to "study" Facebook but didn't really bothered much because it's still confused me. I was more concerned about people backing out from our Subic trip the next day. But oh wells. I think I managed to pack late that night.



3 January 2010: The Subic trip! I got up around 6 am, I think because I can hear my parents talking about waking me up early so I wouldn't make Pris and Nicki wait. Ah well, I woke up by myself. I was out of their hair by 7 am. I won't go into details of what we did but I would like to thank Nicki's dad for letting us stay at their house and for the food and for the car and for everything. Hahaha. We really enjoyed the soju. Haha.



4 January 2010: Haha. Great day. I forgot that I wasn't able to eat anything from breakfast to dinner. Haha. Great day, indeed.



5 January 2010: I am still on leave because I sort of foreseen that we would be home late and tired. So yeah, I slept in and stayed at home feeling lazy. Haha.



6 January 2010: First day of work for 2010. In fairness, I was actually busy. And that's a good thing rather than staring into nothingness. Yeah, work is good once in a while. Haha.



7 January 2010: Well, you can probably guess that my "busy-ness" only lasted for one day. Haha. But 2010 is looking good for me. I think. Haha. Optimism never hurt me before. Hahaha.



***
folow the cut!Collapse )


My dear friends, when are we going to Hong Kong?! Hahahaha. I asked my mother last night and she said we must have at least Php 30k before we go there. That's a package, I think, inclusive of plane ticket and hotel and Disneyland, perhaps?



She suggested that we go before the peak season which starts by September. Hahaha. So when are we going?? When can we have that Php 30k?! Hahaha.



***



EDIT:
I didn't know that Bobby from Jack and Bobby is the kid in Percy Jackson and the lightning thief or something. That was totally random.

He grew up well. Haha.

Dec. 22nd, 2009

drools

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas, everyone! Hope you are having a blast!


***


I am less than pleased to announce that I have re-activated my Facebook account. What made you surrender, you may ask? the answer is simple: mother. HAHAHAHA.


When even your mother asks you to create an account, figure out how to use it and teach it to her, it's quite hard to say 'no'.


So, add me or whatever (shadowed_illuminati@yahoo.co.uk), and kindly wait a long time for updates or whatnots.


Tutorial for my mother, so I may shut down my account is highly appreciated.


***


Okay, happy Christmas again!

Lots of love,

A.
weasley twins

Yeys!

It's almost Christmas and there's a lot of things to be Yeys! about.


***

Grateful!Collapse )

Alright, those are the Yeys that is on top of my head right now.


Advanced Happy Christmas! :D

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