I mean, if we are in the mood to trace back when it started to go bleak on this side, I would say that it was on January.
Now, please understand that this effort to uncover the root is by no means an effort to put blame on anyone that may have a connection to recent fall out. It is merely an introspective exercise to find out why I feel so mad about these things. It is a rather good exercise, especially if you want to clear your mind to accommodate other people's stand. I believe this should be the first step to that: understanding your self.
So anyway, I believe it all began in January. Remember that it was during that time when I felt like I was treated unfairly by someone who I thought was my close friend
. I suppose it is hard to ask someone to apologize when they don't think they did something wrong. And I also think that maybe, that time, although I felt bad about the treatment, I didn't really mind it very much. I probably thought that it was natural for them - him - to make such request. After all, I may have outlived my usefulness. (sounds villainous. Hahaha.) But seriously, though, maybe the reason why I felt bad that time was because the person whom I thought was my close friend may have thought I am no longer helpful. That would seem like an ouch.
And from that January incident, I think maybe we slowly parted ways. Me and them. Maybe, unknowingly, by trying to "back off a little bit", I was making choices that slowly put up a wall between me and them. For example, my desire to hibernate. It meant that I wouldn't see most of my friends except those who I see regularly (like in school or at work). That choice didn't allow me to know more about what's happening in my other friends' lives because of the January incident. I generalized. Or something like that.
Before January, if my former close friend could recall, even if it was a totally random YM message, it happened at least once a week. Of course, such YM conversation may lead to a discussion of an issue pertinent to the "backing off" thing. So I suppose the reason why those stopped too was to keep me from meddling further.
(NOTE: I hope when you read this blog, you would imagine my tone as calm - like narrating facts that bore people out of their wits. Because that is my mood right now. Not angry, or anything. Just calm.)
When after several months, we have gathered again, it was different. I don't know if anyone noticed that but I'm pretty sure I was different that time. Now that I think about it. I may have been a little more hostile than usual. And although I still supported some things, I was also pretty mean with some of the things I said that time. I can only guess now about what I have been feeling that day. Maybe I was a little bit annoyed. More so than this month's early departure. Because you told me about your plans and I didn't know if I were supposed to let you or stop you. And please, don't tell me that I should've done what I wanted because if you know me that well, you ought to know that I never do just what I want. I try to weigh things in my head to see what the best course of action is. Stopping you and asking both of you to stay would mean we could watch the movie together and maybe dinner after. Just like old times. It would make us - your friends - a little happy. But keeping you from your plans would mean you would be unhappy. And perhaps you would think that I am being insensitive. That I no longer understand.
Given that knowledge and the fact that recent events may be connected to that April Saturday, do you suppose I should've stopped you from going elsewhere or do you think it was just that I let you go and covered for you?
I told you before, I'm not one to lie about something to my closest friends. It annoyed me to no end that when I was telling you about our common friend telling me that they knew about it, you asked me to get more information. I am not your spy. But you treated me like it. You didn't understand that maybe I was in a deep shit already and I was texting you for help. You sounded so calm in your messages, very annoying especially when I was on the brink of throwing a punch at someone that time - preferably you. I think that was the moment when I first recognized how insensitive you've become to other people's feelings.
At least she cared enough for me to give me such permission without me asking. But you, you asked me what I would do if you didn't give me the same permission when I asked you for it.
I invite you now to look back at that time and tell me, what were you thinking? You were willing to make me suffer just so I don't say anything? You wanted me to lie to one of my closest girl friends when she already knows about it? Please, tell me because these are just my speculation. And I don't want you to think that I'm blaming you, I'm simply telling you why I think there is a problem and why I think the problem is systemic.
I understand now that in my efforts not to meddle with your (like plural your) affairs, I have sort of detached myself from you (like singular you). And by detaching myself, I have failed to see or ask or bother myself to ask what was going on in other aspects of your life. When you told me about your father the other day (and having had several days and confrontational moments to think about it), I realized this. I wasn't being your friend either so I couldn't expect the same from you. I am truly sorry about this.
If you have read through the entire thing and you feel that you want to talk - a dialogue, not ranting - feel free to send me a message. I think I am ready for a dialogue now because I think I understand what my real problem is. If you've had time to think about these things as well and you've realized that you know what your real issue with me is and you think that you are ready to have a dialogue with me, then we will talk.
We are diplomats, are we not? Let's do this the diplomatic way then. We need not resort to war until we're pretty certain that matters to settle disputes in peace have been exhausted.
...and I think I now know what the real problem is.